Chapter 4 - Sometimes It's Better to Just Let Things Go

"Stan."

I'm on a beach.

"Stan."

The sand is as white as her legs and the sun hits us like a torrent of warm water. There are a few people playing in the water; all of them are attractive.

"Stan!"

Everyone at the cantina knows my name. When I walk in ten people get up to say hello and ask how I'm doing. The bartender saw me through the window and when I go up, my favorite drink is already prepared. I try to hand him a five dollar bill and he says no, Stan, it's on the house and I say to him, I know it is, this is the tip. He smiles happily and pockets the money and gives everyone else in the bar a free drink just because he's so pleased with my generosity. Today, everyone is my friend.

"Stan, wake the hell up you lazy bastard."

Yeah, so that's when I open my eyes and look at Margaret.

"Mags, I was having the nicest dream."

"You weren't dreaming, Stan. I know you weren't. You weren't even asleep. You've got half an hour to get to work and your boss just called and said if you're late again he's canning you."

I stretch my arms, as far as I can. I arch my back and groan as my vertebrae crack audibly. I'm exhausted. I'm going to catch forty winks before I get up and start the day.

"STAN! God Damn it you can't lose your job. Get the hell up!"

"Fine fine fine." My eyes still aren't open.

"Oh Jesus Christ…" I hear Margaret leave the room. I'm glad. Usually she doesn't give up this easily and I'd just as well skip today. Maybe I'll say I'm sick. Or hung over or something. There's a whole beautiful world of excuses I could use and I half-heartedly go through the list. I could say my dog ate my work. That makes me giggle. I could say my car wouldn't start, except I don't have a car. I take the bus.

Fuck!

I'm all wet. Why am I all wet? It's so damn cold. There's cubes! There's an ice cube nestled in my ass crack. Margaret did this to me. Margaret. Cold hearted harlot. I'll show her. It takes more than ice water to get Stan out of bed. Jesus it's cold. I can almost hear her smirk behind me. I hear running water and feel a roll of steam on my back. Oh god. She started the shower and I can feel how warm it is from here. The cube in my crack is melting and it's so cold and the shower is so warm.

Fine.

"Alright, alright. Jesus, Margaret, that was low."

She leans over and gives me a kiss. "Yes, yes. You should get better at waking up in the morning. Really."

"Then where would you get an outlet for your sadistic creativity? You getting in the shower with me?"

"No, I already took a shower. I ate breakfast, too. There's a bagel on the counter and I left the butter and jam out for you. Your bus will be here in half an hour. I need to get to work."

"Alright, Maggie, I love you. Drive safe."

"I will."

She leaves and I smack my lips while I watch her ass on the way out. I stretch my arms again, this time to wake up instead of to give me an excuse to stay in bed. I get in the shower and the hot water wakes me up as well as anything. Some people say cold showers are better for waking you up, but they just make me… well, cold. And when I'm cold I want to go back to bed so I like my morning showers hot. I scratch my balls absent mindedly and only wash half of my body. I figure I'll get the other tomorrow. I mean, it's not like I get especially dirty anyways. I'll probably take a shower with Margaret tonight. I hope so. I like taking showers with her. She looks good naked. I'm thinking about her naked. Oh damn it. I'm all excited now. I don't have time to rub one out. This is going to be uncomfortable.

I get out of the shower and dry myself off. I don't try off my crotch; that's a bad road to go down and I've got a good idea as to the ending. I don't have time for the ending. I need to eat and get on the bus. Damn it. Maybe I'll take my lunch break early and go to the bathroom. I don't even know if I'll want to by then but I probably will. Crap.

She left the strawberry jam out. That was sweet of her. I know she likes peach, but I don't. She probably ate peach jam, put it back, and took out the strawberry. I should try to get up early tomorrow. I should set my alarm for like seven and get up then. But what am I going to do for an hour? I can barely fill half an hour.

I could do some sit ups. My belly's getting bigger. I think it is. It looks a little larger. I jiggle it a little with the hand that isn't holding the bagel. Damn stupid belly. I wish my belly looked as nice as my legs. I have sexy legs. Maybe I should get up early and do sit ups.

I'm probably not going to.

Oh shit. Someone's knocking on the door. Why is someone knocking on the door? It's way too early for that to make any sense. I'm naked. I'm naked in my kitchen and I don't want to answer the door with my junk hanging out. What can I cover myself with? Oh shit, they knocked again. Newspaper! I cover myself with the newspaper and open the door.

"Yo."

"Stan?"

It's my brother. Why is my brother here this early? He gets up later than I do usually. Maybe he's here to give me a present. "Yeah. Hey. What are you doing here?"

"Why are you naked?"

"It's my house you little prick! I'll be naked if I want to!" I hit him with the newspaper and slam the door. That was pretty funny. He knocks again.

"Stan! God damn it Stan. I need you to do something for me."

"I don't have to do anything I don't want to! Go away! I'm naked!"

"I know you're naked, you just hit me with your newspaper speedo."

I crack the door. "What do you want?"

"Can you bring something to Cassius for me? I told him I'd give him this movie but I never see him so I want you to bring it to him for me."

"Is it porn?"

"No, Stan, it's not porn."

"Why not? Cassius needs more porn. He's all backed up."

John sighs. "No, he's not backed up. He has a girlfriend. Could you just bring him this movie for me?"

I reach out and snatch the movie. I look at it. It's something called "Cannibal! The Musical". "John, this looks retarded."

"It is retarded."

"Sweet. I'm going to watch it before I give it to Cassius." I slam the door again, against his protests. He yells one last "Asshole!" and I hear him stomp down the stairs. Awesome. That was totally awesome.

I look more closely at the movie. It really does look stupid and I have no intention of watching it. I throw it in my bag and go into the bedroom to get some pants. Stupid pants.

I wish I could go to work naked but that's not really an option. I'd probably get fired. I don't want to get fired, I kind of like my job. What pants should I wear?

I'm going to wear slacks today. Damn right. Classy. I put on the pants and go outside to bring the newspaper back in. Margaret reads it when she gets home and she'd be upset if it were missing. I finish my bagel now and put on a shirt. Sweet. This is going to be an awesome day.